Hearty Blog

I just wanna make a simple lil blog based on the comment system I got here, why is that so hard to do :xok: I juST DO NOT GET HOW IT WORKS

Someone help me :blobsad:

but also... I don't got emotes on here which will probably kill me lmao

Like listen, This is my vision:
You see how the comments work below? lust lemme edit those to say blog title, info and text instead and it's done, boom, that simple....

....

WHY IS IT NOT THAT SIMPLE....

HHhhhhuuuuu ,,,, hhhhhhhhhhu , w ,
Why my brain gotta be like that man,,,

I keep having this nagging thought in the back of my mind where I'm like extremely happy that people actually like me and get overwhelmingly happy that people actually love me,,, and then immediately followed by "not long until they hate me again"

And it like makes me so anxious bc my brain is SO SURE that its just a matter of time, until I open myself up a lil too much and then BAM, everyone is gone again... including my partner,,, it sucks

sorry had to take a break to defend sth my partner has lmao, I'm so doomed

Literally doomed bc I will be devastated, like, completely if this cycle of friends is over,,, I will very much *need* therapy after to help with my damn abandonment issues fr....

To make it clear tho, to myself, I DO NOT believe those thoughts!!!
I do not believe that any of them would get rid of me any time soon or without telling me why, I do not trust what my brain is saying but also... my anxiety about it is getting worse

Oh no,,, I'm spiraling,, I need to stop and think of something else hhhhh

My god I cannot even start with how horny I have been and it feels,,, like it's too much and somethingis wrong,, or is it just bc I can't get to jerk off in the morning and like I'm a lil random with my T dosages,,, oof probably,,,

I mean I get how it's like,,, my "first" ever sexual experiance and its probably also bc its been a while and nothing else is happening that I am so fixated on it and I can't stop thinking about it and I caNNOT. STOP. GETTING HRD ABOUT IT!!!! ARGH! D{

I am kinda.. well so tired anyways but I'm also so tired of being horny all the time,,, I feel like I'm,,, how ddi they put it,, no no depraved,,, but a full on degenerate,, like as if I would be way too much,, like,,, as if it would be exhausting to "take care" of it bC IT IS FOR ME!!!! :weary: what is this shit honestly!!!

I wanted to write how its not only my ex trauma but also everyone always leaving me that it making me even more enamoured goddamn SLEEP IT IS THO

So a more coherent thought,m aybe bc its still after work, but it's been a while
So what I told my partner,,, (still can't belive it) is that I feel like a puppy thats always been abandoned on the side of the street and now has finally been picked up by someone who cares Q w Q

Because its that,,, suddenly being dropped of by a close friend and never knowing why... its harsh, it's traumatising, it's forever confusing, just like a puppy being set out on the street, that puppy never knew whats going on and why their friends left...
and now??? Now I have friends who actually don't mind me being myself? and a partner who actually genuinely seems to really really like me??? T0T it makes me wanna cry man,,,

I'm also slowly more and more afraid to actually show more of myself even tho they know,,, tHEY ALL KNOW T0T -head in hands-
and,,, my partner is even appreciating me opening up like this,,, it feels so utterly crazy and it only makes me fall more and more :SOB:

like please please please,,, if any of those ever leave me please tell me why at leaast,,, I will be able to handle it more if I am told why,, the sudden anger, the sudden cold shoulder is what makes it all the worse...

damn I just wanted to write how I'm a cute puppy who's been picked up at the side of the rode drawing nasty cat and wolf fanart llmao wHOOPS
I haven't even started with the other stuff,,, I'd rather make another post for that haha

god I keep thinking like "look only x time and we held longer then me and my ex"
bUT ALSO
I am like so much much more happier then when I was with my ex??? (of course lmao)

So I'm like yeah omg time is sure passing by (actually not that quick whicch is good) and every day with them is so good and the little things that give me grief sometimes are so absolutely worth it,,, I wanna be there for them for longer,,, I wanna help them if I can I really do,,, nO DON'T START CRYING

god this makes me so emotional wHERE IS MY BIJOU,,, I need hugs,,,
First my bijou,, now these thoughts :sobh:, I honestly just wanna indulge in my lil critter self and snuggle up to them while they are next to me I swear,,, dreamt about them again as well,, and I only panicked when they went missing,,, hehehehehehehe, nO JINXING IT!!! but rn,,, I feel all is good,, I just wish I could make their life a lil better,,, I really hope the meds are gonna help ; w ; <3

So,,, I told them,,, right after writing my last entry n w n
I proposed the idea of the nude "exchange" (and yeAH its bc I wanna send some wHAT ABOUT IT lmao,,,)

and uh,,, goodlord did it turn out good,,,
They are a busy bee for sure, very unwillingly I might add n w n,, but man,, I sent video in the earliest morning and they eNJOED IT!!!!! in the late afternoon but oh mY GOD n w n,,, so good so good so good I am so filled with joy and love omg

I literally had to look at some pics of them afterwards,, well later today after all that happaned hehe,,, aND I JUST LOVE THEM!!! AURGH!!! They are so pretty, so handsome,,, so,, mature and good lord,,, I truly like dirty talk so much,,, not like the regular one but they just hit it on the nail so much I am going tO DIE

God it's so sexy when they are horny,,,, goddanm,,,

so they haven't texted me today since after a certain time (we were in te middle of a convo) and u know what? OF COURSE I m completely fine with that! I just hope they don't feel guilty about it bc if they are ether busy with something or just have a deadday again in which they can't do anything (understandable after overtime on a friday), so I really do not mind,,, I am filled with love and happiness after what happened for sure hehehehe =nwn=

Sighs dreamily as I end this post hehehehe

hhhhh how do I say this,,,, I wish they asked for my noods from time to time :shysweat:

god I have way to high of a libido its absolutely whack rn :weary:, I'm kinda thinking I'm glad I have someone who can kinda keep up with it,,,or well doesn't mind it at least bc I absolutely have no idea,,,, if,,, if they also are,, that horny,,, I swear

like,,, I wish they would communicate some wanting a lil more, but I also know that... that they're too stresed rn to really do that or think about it... which.. man oh man.. I wish I could help :plead:

I ... to get back to the title ,,, I have also been taking too man noods and videos,,, :weary:
like I have,,,, so many videos that I'd actually love for them to see aURGH but I also like,, want then to want to see them u KNOW,, like I know they would absolutely love if I just send them,,, but them asking for them???
it would not only tell me that they think about me but that they are actually horny for me too,,, godDAMN would I love love love love love love that :plead_increased:

anyways,,,, I gotta make food for tomorrow,,,jkahfkjlsakjdah

So,,, I'm apperently a little better with bad trauma stories about ones life then about things of their current bad state... obv bc then I can't believe that its me who did that lmao, what am I a narcasist?
anyways I can't put profound thoughts into this bc there is like a MINUTE left b4 I have to go to work,,,, aaaaaah gbye

man... this is so difficult to navigate....
if past trauma is being manipulated by threats of suicide and general depression... how does one handle the next partner being in a bad situation and feeling bad.... its so hard to figure out

It's also not only that but then the creeping feeling of not being able to help make anything better that slowly turns into thinking you're the one making things worse bc the things you DO say are stupid and unfitting and unhelpful and the only thing I could help with is just my existance.... but thats all not true and I try to keep that in mind but...

AURGH,,, like its generally just a feeling, but putting it into words... good lord thats harsh
worst is I also can't possibly tell them this bc man, what if that makes them feel worse? what if that makes them feel like they can't tell me anything? What if they don't then tell me things to make me not feel worse?
all those are options which I would absolutely hate and terrify me to think about.... I don't want them to feel like they can't tell me things,,, I want us to be able to be open with each other so why do I have to feel like this about this....

I hate my ex so much for damaging me in this kind of way.... this is so stupid and rediculous... I hate this so much

SO ALRIGHT, I might have drawn a few things with ether the intension of never showing my partner or only ever showing them.... ah.. so I showed them :joy:

oh my god still so flustered abt it. still they,,, take those things I'm very emberassed about very well and honestly do not make me feel even worse about them thankfully, hehehehe...

th...there isn't a lot to say today but oof, boy, still had fun hehehehe, I could repeat a lot of things I've already written down here but idk hehe n w n

well that to say,,, I gotta vent SOMETHING out bc oh my god, once you've tasted the fruit u know, I have been absolUTELY NEEDY like good lord, not even like sex needy (tho good lord)
I've been very needy in a way that, finding out I'm not heavily repusled against being touched anymore is like more then just explosively mindblowing, like I wanna find out things, be touched in certain ways just to find out more and I crave it so much that sometimes I overwhelm myself with it

I mean what can you do if you go 28 years without truly being touched, ofc you'd turn into a,,, well craving needy person bc of it, AURGH DAMN YOU DYSPHORIA!!!!!
Now ALSO having been introduced into kink and wanting to test that out immediately is also NOT HELPING!!!! :pensive: sighs... I have... tested some things with my collar yesterday and I gotta say,,, my god,,, some things just really get me fckn going and this is this one kink that I'm,,, not sure if I can ever actually,,,, do that with anyone,,, bc I'm very sure my partner is not :squint: into that... at all... at least not the recieving side... probably... wow to believe I actually still have a kink in there that I'm actually kinda ashamed of lmao, what? maybe I should actually do something with that so its not that deep inside of me ,,, but then maybe it won't turn me on that much anymore haha

Also the only way I realistically see it happening is like,,, idk, is the service top thing still a submissive thing? bc the only way is if I'm still being a bo...submissive :squint: can't top when I'm a bottom lmao,,, god I think being able to fuck someone would get me going ether-way--AAAH UH WELL; UHM OK that's enough of that omg omg omg I'm stopping this here this is way too much already again hahahaha //runs

Honestly I am p glad I can say that this doesn't feel like an obsession or else I feel like I'd stalk their every move and ask them way more things,,, but I hope I'm still being quite,,,,, uh,,,, sane,,,,, hhhhhh

Like for the love of god I thought this intensity would slowly die down after last christmas?! I thought I was bad enough back then but gOOD LORD HELP
I've had two dreams abt them now, one of them was of them AND their other crush, like having a double sleep over all of us in the same biig big bed >w< , have them sleep in the middle and cudd-- aURGH OK oh man hhhh I'm getting all flushed good grief n w n

The other dream I had today I wrote down a lil more of, since I wrote it down when I woke up! Its half as emberassing bc more then just the whole c-cuddling happens n w n aaaa

Idk where it started again but being able to walk with my partner all through, what seemed like, an old school building and then slowly moving towards my old home? Nice nice nice nice

Dreaming about inviting them into my parents house, oh my god idk about that one, did I really dream about that, oh my god, first being alone in seperate rooms, then showing them where yt is on the tv lmao
To then having my parents interrupt and having to awkwardly introduce them (with the language barrier) was tho very anxiety reducing to think abt now.

(To which uh now,,,,,,,,, -looks left and right with slight panic-)

We were kinda banished then into the guest room which ofc, didnt bother us and we started to cuddle anyways
Tho sadly their leg between mine did bother me in a way that my god did it make me horny but also bc my current period thats causing pain, goddamn it Y v Y...
But still the dream continued!!! AURGH!! Which was so so nice and such a rare occasion, cuddles kinda continued but then it kinda moved to outside again, idk how anymore, to the street I lived on, sth happened and family got involved, well I say sth happened I very vividly remember the like "towl" sale on the boardwalk and some of the mesh things?!??? flew off into the streets??? which my mom caught?!?!? and my sis was there too for some reason??? and then in the back it looked like my partner just walked into the street haha watched the scene and then caught one of them too, being a lil confused and then being invited in has,djkad(yeah it was cute aight)

Then the thing happened with the loud music I THINK
Oh yeah I remember now, I'm p sure somethings happened in between idk what, wishy washy dreams and all, But I loved this
Where there was a super big party with a DJ at our door???? and ofc I got super duper upset, looked for the managers who kinda feared me, my partner not far behind me
I got into a verbal fight and told my partner to wait for me outside, idk why, I argued for some reason to make sure that I'd be able to get back out (??) they seemed concerned and I remember that face vry well when they left ówò (p sure irl them would love the CONCEPT of me fucking someone up lmao)
Then one of the managers almost held me in a chokehold to which I responded with biting the flesh out of their arm marten style hehehehe

then I woke up all sweaty again bc of course as soon as the dreams get all angy or panicky it means I'm getting too warm and need to wake up lmao, sadge

Yesterday was a MESS, like the climate in my home is actively trying to kill me, people stressed me tf out like goddamn, such a mess and that just b4 the date we had planned like why is the world like this AAARGH 😭

So yeah anyways -puts non-existant long hair behind ear-
God I would love to just gush about it but in all honestly it was just so funny, terrible misunderstandings, terrible photo exchanges, lil puppy, its all good man, life is good hahaha

Short one bc honestly I got SO dang distracted all day I thought I took my meds but it feels like I didn't uh,, so well -lays down-

hhhhh, I guess those happenings really did trigger a larger wave of anxiety.... because it is starting to seep over into other places and I don't fucking like it at all

First of all they sent me 50 bucks yesterday which feels like an extremely cheap apology that rather seems like they are buying me tbh, I know obviously none of that is their intention but god fckn damn it, that's what it feels like and it's not nice, sending that money was just making it worse. Can't do anything about it tho.

And now that that happened the same thought keeps popping up in my head when I think of my partner and it's all "as long as I give them a tiny spark of happiness as well" which def signals to me that I am afraid of not making them happy and that I wish to at least give them a little joy in their life and sparks of happiness when they think of me q n q....

Yeah it's def being my anxiety spiraling rn and I have been cleaning ALL DAY now to get away from it and keep myself distracted... and GOSH DARN IT!!! Now that my room is clean I'm gonna try to make this blog here work >:( bc there has to be a way!!!

Ok so first things first I got a fresh haircut and I again do not like i t :(
I gues its because its so boxy and masculine :O bc this time it was kept longer!

But anyways... today I kept completely out of the server bc fuck that noise I don't care about the fall out of that convo, they prolly didn't really listen anyways so whatever, I worked on my new furona instead that they are DEF not gonna see >:( I'm done bing the one causing sadness just bc I have fun with art??? esp now that I'm very very slowly getting over my art block/burn out!!! Kinda....

so...turns out today was real boring... and boredom makes horny :(
it's good that I kept out the server completely tbh, good for mind and health bUT MAN was today BORINNNG!!!! 😩😩😩

and yes OKAY to get back to topic,,,, I am,,, so incapable of saying out loud things I wish I could say,,, like sometimes writing it is no problem (sometimes) but saying it? AURGH,,, I will die of emberassment hjkhajklsdasd
that goes for things like,,, just telling them how I feel to ,,, what I'd like to do (or that I'm horny) and don't even get me started on dirty talk, that's so absolutely impossible for me, no no no no hahahaha -hides-

and yet,,,, -peeks

Oh! Addition!
I have also noticed that this uh,, diary,,, actually keeps me away from twitter etc!! Which is super nice!!!!
bc now I have a place to vent my feelings, that don't specifically nead validation, and I don't exactly have to be online for it,,,, thts nice thats nice hehehe

The chaotic part abt today is that my god,,,
The emberassing thoughts again, after a scottish game where hhhh the love to one another stood strong -EYEROLL-

and god, little thoughts like "yeah but what IF I lived with them" keep popping up into my head and make me feel all emberassed with myself it's been like a year since I got to know them like brain slow the fUCK DOWN

Like first of all ofc, not possible,,, probably,,, maybe, u know keeping my hopes up hhhh

Like most of my thoughts are also like what if,, what if you know
What if I were to cook food at home for them to come back to a warm meal after an exhausting day of work,,, what if I gave them a loving kiss on the cheek to make em feel a lil better,,, what if I'm a lil of a,,,, gosh I hate this term but,,, "malewife" -weary emote-

Gosh, christ listen to me, absolutely delusional -head in hands-

I just,,,, I just really really like the thought of being able to make them a lil happier u know,,, and it actually being that way and not fakery,,, idk,,, just feels right and nice,,, (/ω＼*)……… (/ω•＼*)

aaaaaaaa,,,, -quickly saves and closes window-

god I have to say I am so happy about the fact that we don't need to chat every single day and every single waking hour of the day....

ofc in a sense that there is no guilt, no pressure to do this, I can be relaxed with the fact that, yes it is quiet rn, but that doesn't mean any bad emotion is being harbored bc of it, its just natural and the way it goes, I am not immediately punished by not texting 24/7 u know...

It is so relaxing and it makes me so happy that this is the case, dreamy relieved sighs sighs sighs,,,, úwù

I don't even know how to describe this but it just feels like instead of being thrown into a prickly bush I get a comfy hug with a warm blanket, that's what this feels like,,,,

ARGH!!

I didn't make an entry yesterday when I quit my job and DAMN it wasn't satisfying at ALL, but at least I am gone from there now, thank god.

and weirdly... after that??? I had the BEST sleep I've had in a while?? Wow who woulda fckn guessed xD

Couldn't talk much to my partner bc they had dnd, but as always it's nice to know they have a social life outside of me, nice hobbies and hhhhh they just do stuff and go outside man,,, I am easily astonished yes, but what can you do after the most dependant lil shit ever haha

Nothing much to report today ether, just trying to relax and enjoy my day off even with the meds misshap haha

AURGH HELP

JAHSDKJLAS I like, in my head I already made plans for punishments for myself,,, like goddamn, but I think since I have also chosen them for myself it won't really count,,,,right

anyways my absolute horrid punishments I thought of for a while now was revealing something sUPER emberassing abt myself,,, I have a few things in my backpocket which also is half,,, good info,,, cOUGHS,,, "good info" for them to know is what my delusional ass thinks,,,,

,,,, hhhhh '._.` one of them being about the shirt that...well thats all I am willing to even put in here hahahaha,,,, a U R G H -thanos smited-

tehehehehe, So ok talking abt AD events at furry cons, which 100% I am sure I won't do anyways but my gosh,,,, still they are so,,, smurt n understanding, I love that, I'll becareful for sure!

I taggedon a lil ily,,, just bc its true and I'm still like, OK SO

I am still so heavily in denial???? like I was so heavily head over heels for them for like half a year now (lmao ok like maybe nov till still am now) and like?!?!? them my partner?!?!? them actually liking me back as well????? HUH

impossible lmao, I'm still in dream land where I'm making this picture of a person that likes me back a lot and its all in my head bc me having a healthy relation ship can't possibly be real at all?

BUT IT IS!!!!!

so yeah work SUCKS ASS right now, but at least I can open my phone and my lovely smart partner has once again said something that reminds me of the fact that they were the one crushing first and I am not actually fucking insane nwn aaaaaaaaaa

Like good lord I would have so much shit to say about work, no joke, its intensely fucked up right now I'm just so tired.....
Feels like I'm being emotionally sucked dry by my ex again tbh

Today was extra exhausting not physically tho, bc of the build up from yesterday as well... I'm very glad that I'll be gone in like 3 weeks, if time wasn't passing so absolutely terribly slowly

I vented at a few ppl(groups mostly) still they offered to listen and I am just eternally grateful for it and as always they very smartly identified exACTLY what was making it so terribly exhausting for me!!!
how are they always so smart, it just makes me adore them more....hhhhhhh

They are also what gives me strength right now to continue, like the thought of them after work is helping me so much to just shut off after work and relax more... like giving me strength =uwu= (tiny blushy wushy)I love that...

its literally what makes me gofrom "mn I feel awful" to "life is p good right now and I am okay..." q w q...
ok ok ok that's it that's it!!! I swear hehehe, I will write another long text about why I like them so much at another day I need to go to sleep!!! hehehehe

Honestly I don't actually know if it might be some form of trauma or not, I bet there is a tiny piece of it in there, and I'm very certain it's just my intrusive thoughts doing these things...

Yeah I get jealous seeing them reply to someone else first instead of me, but honestly it might just be a self confidence issue that stems from past relationship trauma, this might dig in a lil deep so get ready lmao

CW for suicide and well abuse lmao

BUT!!!! I know all of that is just my brain playing tricks on me and its not whats actually going on!!!! They do not lie to me and they constantly reassure me with their words that this is not the case UwU

So yeah...
Just those little insecurities that do make it much mor einteresting tbh
It is also something that I feel like I can't and shouldn't tell them about bc it makes one involuntarily change their behavior and also I would be very sad if they kept from me that some things I said may have crossed a line... I would never want that for ether of us, so I just gotta live with it UwU

Edit after 11pm: Yeah,,, their love language makes up for all of it... like keeping in mind the lil things about u bc they like them? I'm smitten... completely, life is good

God fckn damn...

Iam getting way too interested in puppy play I swear and honestly yes they bring it out in me....

How dare you say a submissive lil guy would be "ideal" T o T I since haven't stopped thinking about it and it makes me blush eVERY TIME!!!!
So yeah... I been thinking about getting collared, getting it put on and being told to just sit and tiny things like that,,, God... makes me blush so much AURGH

anyways... I really gotta go to sleep now,,, its been a while since I had some good sleep aaah (is writing this in bed)

So uh, this is what this blog is actually aboute yes, judge me if you will I don't care, I'm going to explode if I don't have a place to pour all this into,,,
and yes... I just copy pasted this for now leave me alone ToT

rrrrraaaaaaahhh ASJKDHLAKJSD

I'm thinking about the fact that my partner is interested in my fictional stuff and honestly no wonder I'm so fckn star struck -head in hands-

not only did my ex not care and only push his stuff onto me, but even my best friends? my family? none show genuine interest in the things I am writing or have written, even when they do its only slight "yeah we're friends so I think its neat" kinda thing,,,, I never really had someone be genuinely interested,,,, hhhhh

thinking bout it makes my heart wanna explode it makes me so happy

I'm very much trying not to be an overbearing lil thing and try not to let it sway me too much (bc my tendency of easily getting taken advantage of emotionally haha) BUT MAN,,, MAN ITS GETTING DIFFICULT
also since my brain can't think of anything else I've also been thinking about them non-stop so I'm just,,,,,,, helplessly happily doomed lmao aURGH